Wednesday, December 2

Job Application

In relation to the job posting tell us about a public figure you admire and explain why:

I’d say my personal hero has to be Jesus because I think we are a lot alike. What I admire most about him is not so much his teachings or sacrifice - I just think that, like me, he was a bit of a late bloomer.

My dad’s a very pushy man, another thing we’ve got in common, and he thinks I should be more career minded at 23-years-old and know what I want to do. I pointed out that Jesus didn’t know what he wanted to do until he was thirty! And if it’s good enough for him then it’s good enough for me.

I take great comfort in the fact that if this job sucks I'll eventually find something that'll work out.

Also, he had a cool beard.

Wednesday, November 25

Pike and June: An Inspirational Story

June was looking at redundancy. The hospital was making cutbacks and they didn't have any patients for her. A trained facilitator, she’d help paralysed patients communicate by holding their hand over the keyboard. But lately nobody needed her help.

This made June nervous. On rainy days she'd find herself praying for a bike accident. Surely someone was due a devastating spinal injury?

Eventually the boss called June into his office and she knew this meant the end. She walked down the long corridor passing the coma ward and an idea struck.

What if one of the coma patients was actually paralysed? She quietly examined them but no-one showed any signs. June should have accepted her fate and moved on but she was desperate.

Why not pick a coma victim and pretend? She's the expert, no one could disagree with her. All she ever did was hold the patients hand over a keyboard until it felt like they were trying to push a button. She could do the job just as easily without a patient’s involvement. She'd probably be better at it - June's spelling was exceptional. What would the coma victim care? She'd make them look good - articulate.

June picked Christopher Pike, a man in his late thirties who hasn’t moved for eighteen years. Pike would be her saviour.

The hospital was overjoyed at the news Mr Pike was conscious. June's job was safe and Pike's family loved her. They always knew their Chris was still there. June felt a bit guilty about this but all the hugs made her feel much better.

June found it surprisingly easy pretending to be her new patient. Mrs Pike would mostly talk at her son allowing June to simply type affirming words on Pike’s behalf. If ever a question June couldn't answer arose then Pike was just “feeling tired” and needed “rest”. Sympathy will you get you far.

The media attention was not anticipated. At first a local news story, then national, within days it was all over the world. June felt a bit guilty about this but all the attention made her feel much better.

Before June knew it this motivational story made her a hero. She was the person that recognized Pike's condition and Pike was always complimenting her. Eventually their life story was bought by Steven Spielberg and Julia Roberts was playing her in a movie. June felt a bit guilty about this but dinner with Julia Roberts made her feel much better.

Life was good until the day Christopher Pike woke up. Maybe she could have bribed him to carry on. There was enough so both could be rich. But why should she share? Pike was just a puppet - she was the master.

It only took a few minutes. Eighteen years lying down makes you very weak. Far too weak to hold off a pillow over your face.

Christopher Pike died aged thirty-nine. June felt a BIT guilty about the murder but the guest slot on Oprah made her feel MUCH better.

Tuesday, November 17

Simon says

Simon says Terry never owned a suit and wouldn’t expect us to wear one at his funeral.

Simon says the family wants us all to wear casual clothes: “As if we were just going to the pub with Terry one last time.”

I chose conservatively, a dark short sleeved shirt, black jeans. My hand stretched past the Nike trainers and selecting office shoes instead. I wear them to the pub in case we go to a club after - it’s within the spirit of the rules.

I arrive and all are suited and booted. Even Simon has the audacity to come in a tie.

“What happened to casual wear?” I ask.

“This is casual,” Simon says.

“When did you last wear a tie to the pub?”

Simon says: “It’s still a funeral mate. Besides, it is a Bugs Bunny tie.”

I don’t listen to what Simon says anymore.

Tuesday, October 20

Tube Announcement


Sitting on an underground train I finish ruffling through the free paper and focus on the driver’s announcement.

“-I want you to know I only meant to scare her,” the calm voice said. “It was never supposed to kill her,”

My ears picked up. How long has he been talking?

“I thought burying her would be hardest but keeping it a secret this long has destroyed me.”

I look on at the dozen other passengers all transfixed on their portable entertainment. The confessional washing over them.

He continues: "I’m sure you’re disgusted by my tale and I do not expect forgiveness. I accepted my place in hell long ago.”

The speakers go silent. Should I be worried? Scared? Ring the police? I feel bad that what I really want is the first part of the story. The gossip.

Our train slows and the speakers crackle back to life.

His final words: “This station is Mill Hill East. All change here.”

The carriage empties as my fellow passengers shuffle onto the platform - unaware of what happened. I guess I’m no different.

Saturday, October 10

The Jolly Codger

Captian Blackbeard was an excellent recruiter.

“Tax breaks aside,” he’d say, “there’s three perks to being a pirate. You’ll travel the world, work with animals and enjoy a great pension scheme!”

Blackbeard never had a reputation for nurturing talent and failed to pass on his map drawing skills.

Fifty years on I realise I should have pushed him for training. My X looked fine but what way to hold the map? How’d I forget to write north on the thing?

“East!” I confidently proclaimed to the trusting crew.

A one in four chance? Maybe. I’ve made it through tougher odds.

Monday, September 28

Disney Porn

Fred was delighted to have his first porn audition.

"You need a USP" his agent said, confusing simple Fred.

"A unique selling point," she explained. "Think up a character, an angle, make it marketable!"

She laughed when Fred said he’d go to a fancy dress shop for inspiration. Clothes aren’t many people's first thought when it came to naughty videos.

Fred searched the racks until he came across a blue sailor suit. Inspired, he rushed to the counter and bartered. He only wanted the sailor hat and shirt. No trousers.

The woman insisted the trousers were part of the outfit and items could not be sold separately. He was too excited to argue and paid the full price.

At the audition, Fred posed in his bottomless outfit. A blue sailor hat and shirt.

Donald Fuck was born.

Fred, er… I mean Donald, was an instant success. The Disney Corporation almost immediately sent cease-and-desist orders.

He ignored Walt’s lawyers and they let it lie until Donald won ‘Best New Cummer’ at a prestigious award ceremony.

Disney then threatened to sue him but Donald’s lawyer explained a family company like that wouldn’t want to give him any more exposure.

Donald forgot his legal worries until the phone started making a clicking sound. Soon after men in suits started showing up and making notes, keeping an eye. A black car was parked outside his home but it was probably always there. Right?

Never good at taking a hint Donald still went to work the day after a suspicious gas leak took his new home.

Although speeding he didn’t intend to skip the traffic lights. Nor drive off the pier.

Donald Fuck was DEAD.

Some say it was suicide, the pressures of fame. Others say the brakes were always dodgy. Some suggest the brakes were cut.

Sunday, September 27

The rapist

Judy was shocked by the news her new neighbour was a rapist. He wasn’t ashamed to say so. He even gave her a business card that read John Bolder The Rapist. She probably should have calmed down before burning down his house. Judy felt terribly guilty the next day when Fran asked: “Did you hear about poor John the Therapist?”

Would Like To Meet...

A police woman would be his perfect wife. She’d be athletic, she’d have a regular income, her night shifts would give him time to himself.

Timothy could see no reason to not quicken the proceedings and meet his soulmate as soon as possible.

He entered the park, disrobed and waited. He smiled as the faint blue lights drew closer.

Tuesday, September 22

Good Luck

Examining the Egyptian market stall she picked up a scarab beetle ornament and crinkled her nose.

“It good luck” said the salesman. “It’s not the like The Mummy.”

As her silent husband shrugged his shoulders in indifference she opened her purse.

“I don’t like that film” he said now crinkling his nose. “Many inaccuracies.”

Dear Neighbour

Dear Neighbour,

The excessive banging from your flat has not gone unnoticed. I am not one to complain, in fact the sounds have kept me company for many years. I only write because the boy at No 4 suggested you’d been building a boat. I’d very much like to join you before the flood reaches our floor.

Yours sincerely


The Gold Star Factory

The board are concerned.

Is it the economy? Are schools cutting back on purchase or are kids just getting stupider? They probably don’t deserve such an honour.

The news blames everyone and suggests 2009 is gonna hit us sticker printers the worst – I blame the teachers.

Father was right. I should have got into the toilet paper business.

The Badger King

I was told I could stay. That this is the way it could, and indeed should, be.

He offered me a place in his court. Sitting at his side as ambassador for humankind.

Mum would be angry if I missed my tea so I chose to leave, promising to return that evening.

I never found the Badger King’s kingdom again.

Greener Grass

Unable to leave her family she avoided the white light. That was 50 years ago today. Having watched her husband move on she eventually witnessed her daughter and son's departures. Left with a generation she’d never met in life, Hattie was no longer happy with her current company and decided to visit the neighbours.